Tuesday, May 13, 2008

More Obnoxious Than That Couple From "The Hills."

Sadly, this is a very typical conversation for us...

me: well what about the place in Yarmouth?
The Lady: no dice
bc of Cali
me: Beause of Cali?
The Lady: her cat
me: I thought they said small pets were ok?
The Lady: evidently, she lied
me: or were they talking like... fucking fish and hamsters
The Lady: fucked if i know
i'm getting a little frustrated Sent at 12:56 PM on Tuesday
me: I don't blame you
I went through this exact same thing when I was looking for a place back whenever
it sucks
like, in nyc... there's more than enough places..most of them are shitholes, but...I had a new apt lined up in a week
here it took me a month
The Lady: well...this is the cape..yea
me: the cape is ghey
The Lady: yup
me: so we had an awesome ride
absolutely awesome
I got up to 90mph
The Lady: dont tell me that
me: ok.
The Lady: ugh
me: I was NOT doing 90mph.at all.,
The Lady: and dont lie to me
me: does it count if my father lies to you as my proxy?

The Lady: yes
i mean
me: ...
The Lady: just dont tell me when you hit a speed that will kill you

i dont need the anxiety
me: heh, ok
The Lady: ]well
me: no no, I'm sorry, .... you're right
The Lady: you can tell me if we get married and i get benies if you die
me: but I am sitting here with the world's biggest shit eating grin.
The Lady: hahaha
me: and that's fucked up.
The Lady: what
no its not
me: so suddenly it's ok if we're married
and...I'm like "Oh, I'm going to go jump out of a plane this afternoon..."and you're like "have fun! Don't pack a chute!"and then you cackle menacingly
The Lady: well, its not like you wouldnt be slightly set if i died
unless, my dad some how manages to drain my trust fund even more by then.... Sent at 1:04 PM on Tuesday
me: so I should be encouraging you to do more vodka snooters then?"no no hunny, c'mon, like a champ!"
The Lady: if you want me to kill myself, then sure! Sent at 1:06 PM on Tuesday
me: ... no I don't
because then I'd be left with no one to impress
and I'd gain a shit-ton of weight
The Lady: i'm sure you could find someone else
me: Sure. But they wouldn't be you.
and you're all I want.
The Lady: i'll keep that in mind when i'm inspecting my food for ground up glass
me: heh... that's some prison-y shit
I saw them do that on"Oz" back in the day
The Lady: heh
me: that was a great show, if not for all the man on man butt-rape
The Lady: my buddy crash made me watch a couple episodes
he loved it
i could have cared less
me: like, it was cool an all, but... like eventually they just ran out of ideas
because honestly, how many stories can revolve around the same dudes sitting in a yard all day
The Lady: some of it was kinda disturbing
me: I mean, sure, add a new character but it's all the same
The Lady: like getting encased behind a brick wall Sent at 1:11 PM on Tuesday
me: 'hey,did you take down your profile on wordpress?
The Lady on blogger yea
me: oh. cuz my dad was just in here and wanted to see a picture of you
so I clicked over to your blog
and there's fucking... Amy Crackhouse
The Lady: thats a crap pic anyway
me: and he goes "Jesus Jim!"
The Lady: awww, i feel bad
not really Sent at 1:14 PM on Tuesday
me: oh yeah, duh, faebook
The Lady: my boyfriend everyone....hes brolliant
and i cant spell
me: yeah, pot calls kettle black, more at 11
The Lady: fuck you
me: me: Yeah, this is her facebook page...
Dad: she's cute!
Me: She's not blonde anymore...
Dad: well as long as the drapes match the carpet.......and you wonder where I get it from?
The Lady: my jaw just hit the floor
me: yeah, that's my dad.
The Lady: oi vey
me: Shhh!! Don't do that, he'll think you're jewish or something...say something catholic-y, quick
The Lady: ummmummm
me: hurry!
The Lady: a priest molested my ex boyfriend
me: ....I was going to suggest "hey, do you have anymore of those Jesus Waffers around here?"
The Lady: dont put me on the spot like that!!!!
me: My ass is made of vanilla, btw
The Lady: jeff says congrats
me: on?
The Lady: keeping my interest for more than a week
he just asked who i was g chatting w
me: oh, I thought he was going to congratulate me on having a delicious ass.
The Lady: i said james, he said "wow, still? tell him congrats!"
me: tell him that I love being hung up on...because it makes me feel like a winner.
The Lady: he hung up on you?
me: well
not really
I was like "can I talk to The Lady?"
and he goes "she's busy right now"
and I go "well ok, this is Jim, can you just have her call me back?"
and there was nothing... and then click.
so I was like "well alright then, nice."
The Lady: yea
hes not too keen on pple calling me at work
when my sister calls and i dont pick up she pretneds she dialed the wrong #
me: heh
ok... I'm going to attempt to load my bike before dad rips up a doob... so...I'm going to post this as a blog
and then be on my marry way
The Lady: this conversation?
me: this conversation
and I'll alter your name
The Lady: ok
me: I'll call you when I get in... or email... whatever
smoke signals
You'll know when I'm in town.
The Lady: ok love you n shit
me: roger that! Sent at 1:25 PM on Tuesday


Angry Ballerina said...

These conversations do me no justice.

Faded said...

She's a lot easier to put up with when I don't have to actually HEAR her call me a ball-less wonder.

I know, I know. she's secretly a sweetheart.

Angry Ballerina said...

Fuck you Fade