Sometimes people don't know they're completely retarded. Other times, people around said idiot don't realize that person is completely inept in all facets of life, either. The latter is the case of Carlos Mencia.
So I figured that I would start breaking down ways to tell if you yourself, or someone you love, is a collossal idiot. This month: How Your Choice in Movies Makes You an Asshole.
My roommate tends to go see a lot of movies because he's only 19 and there's not much else the poor boy can do legally in these parts. As a by-product of this, he sees a lot of shitty films, only, he doesn't realize what a shitty film is.
Tell tale signs you're watching a shitty film:
-Stars Mark Walhberg in a leading role (excemption: "Boogie Nights")
-Is from "two of the six writers of 'Scary Movie'"
-A Wayans touched it.
-Star mugs for the camera every chance they get, during the preview.
What's unfortunate is that the majority of the American movie-going population falls under the same umbrella as my hapless roommate. No one really knows what a shitty movie-going experience is. Sure, they can be annoyed as they sit in the theatre by other patrons/sticky floors, but they neglect to realize that what's on the screen plays a large part in dumbing themselves down.
I pay a lot of attention to film reviews, but mostly I can just tell if a movie is going to be utter shit. I can see the preview either at the theatre, or on tv, and just know. It's hard to explain, and yes, it's just short of judging a book by it's cover, but I know when there's a film not worth my ten dollars. It has a certain stink to it; an aroma that's not unlike dead fish under a hot sun.
I've also been wrong before too, but not often. I had both written off "Gladiator" and "Ironman" as forgettable summer "blockbusters" and pleasently surprised how much I enjoyed those two films. "Gladiator" is actually one of my all time favorites. And I've missed the call too, thinking "The Kingdom" last Fall's forgetable Jaime Foxx-middle eastern terrorist cash-in pic was going to be epic, but found it was largely disappointing.
This was an actual (albeit paraphrased for these purposes) conversation I had with my roommate a few weeks ago:
RM: Dude, let's go see 'Love Guru!'
(He constantly tries to bait me into going to movies. Honestly, I feel awful that I don't go with him, but given his taste in film, I'd rather inject rat poison directly into my eyeballs)
Me: Umm, no.
RM: Why not?!
Me: Because it looks terrible, Mike Meyers is a one trick pony who thinks that because he dresses in various fat suits and costumes, he can fool movie goers into thinking he's talented and has range as an actor. His latest film only reinforces that. Except for the first Austin Powers, each one of his films to date is basically a stretched, unfunny SNL skit.
The RM gives me a blank stare.
RM: Ok, let's go see 'Meet Dave.' I know you want to see that!
And I appriciate his enthusiasm. I really do. But again, to infer that I 'want to see' 'Meet Dave', the abysmal Eddie Murphy - 'Men in Black' - Bootleg - Vehicle, is somewhat insulting.
Me: No.
Rm: Sigh, why not?
Me: Have you seen the previews of that movie?! I'm not going to subject myself to another one of Eddie Murphy's ego-tripped-tipped yawnfests. You know why all of his movies in the last ten years have starred just Eddie Murphy playing different characters? It's because no other actor in Hollywood will work with him. He's an enormous asshole, and he continues to make films that make me want to eat a bagel laced with broken shards of glass and AIDS needles.
RM: Well, I'm gonna go, peace out.
And so he goes, and sure enough, two hours later, this is what I get:
RM: Yeah bro, "Meet Dave" sucked.
In other news, I tell my roommate that the stove top is hot, he touches it, gets burned. More at 11.
Seriously though, I browse through rottentomatoes all the time, and read through the (obviously) bad reviews for some of these films I know to be bad. I don't know why I do it, I just do it. Maybe I'm reinforcing my talent for picking stinkers a mile away, or maybe I like seeing a man being kicked while he's down. Regardless, what blows me away is some of the POSITIVE reviews that are kinda sprinkled over the critics review pages for movies that should otherwised be banned from viewing.
This gem from the 'Hancock' page:
"Smith proves again, he's the king of summer blockbusters in this truly genius alt-concept of Super Hero (his caps) genre movies!" -Kit Comner, Ain't It Cool News.
Now I understand studios sometimes pay off film critics to write "good reviews" on what the studio will know to be a film DOA at the theatre. But I mean, these people look like complete assholes next to the other 97% of the critics, who were not being paid, who actually wrote down what they thought.
Only if you were say, a President of the United States, had an approval rating hovering around 26% and still thought you couldhelp the presumptive GOP candidate would you be a bigger idiot.
Showing posts with label film. Show all posts
Showing posts with label film. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
G-Dub's Itinerary for July 8th, 2007
It's not like our current President has much to do now-a-days, since all the focus is on the up coming election. So what does he do all day? I was handed this exclusive itinerary from a confidential source. Check it out.
0945- Just wakin' up, tell Laura to get us some coffee, the Mini Page, and to let the dog out.
1030- Half-way finish my Sodoku For Kids, decide on which tie to where with what suit.
1130- Finish getting dressed, pick out blue tie with gray suit. Laura makes me put the brown shit kickers back.
1200- Send out one of the guys to get some wings from Hooters for lunch. At the same time, have Mitch in Secret Services drive by Arianna Huffinton's house all slow-like a few times. Heh-heh.
1245- Write letter on Presidential Stationary to FOX News, ask why they haven't picked up that Colbert fella from Comedy Central yet. He's good.
1315- Log on to WOW, try to build my Elf Paladin to level 75.
1555- Call up the girls, ask if they're still virgins.
1610- Walk down to the basement and see if Dick's battery needs to be changed out.
1705- Reorganize 'Top Friends' on my Myspace page, move McClellen to bottom of list!
1730- Dinner in front of tv
1845- Browse craigslist for fishing poles, new aids.
1930- Have someone explain to me what 'Katrina' was all about anyway, make plans to stand next to some sand bags in midwest flood zones for pictures.
2000- Private viewing of new Indiana Jones movie in theater, try to put moves on Laura during the boring parts.
2200- Call England, see what Tony's been up to. Rip on that new guy that took his job.
2245- Lights out, sleep with clear conscience.
0945- Just wakin' up, tell Laura to get us some coffee, the Mini Page, and to let the dog out.
1030- Half-way finish my Sodoku For Kids, decide on which tie to where with what suit.
1130- Finish getting dressed, pick out blue tie with gray suit. Laura makes me put the brown shit kickers back.
1200- Send out one of the guys to get some wings from Hooters for lunch. At the same time, have Mitch in Secret Services drive by Arianna Huffinton's house all slow-like a few times. Heh-heh.
1245- Write letter on Presidential Stationary to FOX News, ask why they haven't picked up that Colbert fella from Comedy Central yet. He's good.
1315- Log on to WOW, try to build my Elf Paladin to level 75.
1555- Call up the girls, ask if they're still virgins.
1610- Walk down to the basement and see if Dick's battery needs to be changed out.
1705- Reorganize 'Top Friends' on my Myspace page, move McClellen to bottom of list!
1730- Dinner in front of tv
1845- Browse craigslist for fishing poles, new aids.
1930- Have someone explain to me what 'Katrina' was all about anyway, make plans to stand next to some sand bags in midwest flood zones for pictures.
2000- Private viewing of new Indiana Jones movie in theater, try to put moves on Laura during the boring parts.
2200- Call England, see what Tony's been up to. Rip on that new guy that took his job.
2245- Lights out, sleep with clear conscience.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
A Fortune Awaits Who Ever Can Tell Me Who's More Racist:
Old griseled white man Clint Eastwood, or Perpetually cranky, Knicks floor seat season ticket holder, Spike Lee.
The two acclaimed directors started mouthing off to each other over Lee's comments that Eastwood failed to place a single black actor into either one of his recent World War Two epics "Flag of Our Fathers" and "Letters From Iwo Jima."
To this, Eastwood plainly called Lee "nuts" and told him to "Shut his face."
And to that... Lee explained to the media that Eastwood was not his father and they were currently not standing on a plantation.
See, why do some people have to take it to that level? I'm not just talking about blacks, I'm talking about everyone. Because everyone does it, even we white folks are just as guilty of pulling the (reverse) race card as a black guy, Asian lady, Mexican chulo, whatever.
Anytime there's a disagreement between two people of opposite skin color, one (usually whoever's on the losing side of things) will immdiately pull the race card and throw it down like an NFL ref with a yellow flag.
An example I had the pleasure to overhear a few years ago on a Manhattan-bound Q train:
"I don't know what you're talking about dude, she's not that hot," said a white guy to his black friend.
"Why don't you think she's hot? It's because she's black, right?" Said the black friend.
"Or.. it could be because she's fifty pounds overweight and has bad skin?"
"You're saying black skin is bad skin?"
"No, I'm saying that pock marks and flakes make bad skin..."
And yet, this poor white guy couldn't win! Everything he said was being bent back around to make him look like a racist. In public.
And that's a heavy weapon to be able to weild, because no one, black or white or yellow or brown or green, likes to be a racist. ...no wait, let me rephrase that: People don't like to be thought of as racist.
It's because individually, we all are racist and revel in it. I am, you are, your sister is, and most likely the girl behind the cash register at the GAP is too. We all pass judgement on people based on appearances alone.
Take that girl at the GAP register there. I bet she swipes at least 100 credit cards in her four hour shift. For however many she swipes that come back over their limit and rejected, I almost guarentee she thinks the card owner is a deadbeat scum bag.
I'll tell you this much: I've had credit cards turned down more than once, and it's a shitty feeling to have someone come back to you like "oh hey, do you have another card, this one's rejected." And when they say it, it feels like all the people in the place you're at all collectively took a breath at the same time, so everyone heard what was said to you. It doesn't make you a bad person, just slightly irresponsible.
But back to the subject of racism: Who's the bigger racist, Clint or Spike? Clint left out black people from two of his films (though I'm sure they were filled with plenty of fucking yellow-fisted nips), and told a celebrated black director to shut the fuck up. But Lee couldn't take being told by a man, like a man, to shut the fuck up and had to make the ordeal racial in nature. No one was even thinking about racism until Lee had to bring into the conversation a plantation. Then everyone saw it as a black/white thing. A struggle of oppressed power. Here's another black man being held down by an old white man, someone will think.
The real racist is the media. And I understand that's very cliche for me to say and blame, but it's true. They blew this whole thing so far out of proporting that it's almost dispicable. So what if a white guy who's won a crap ton of Oscars tells a revolutionary black director to shut up? Spike's comments were way out from left field in the first place. I'm sure there were many brave black soldiers on the island of Iwo Jima but the story wasn't about them. It was about... Marines raising a flag and fighting for America.
Being in the military, I know, that there's no such thing as color when your life is on the line. The only thing you're thinking about when shit hits the fan is if the guy next to you is qualified or not.
The two acclaimed directors started mouthing off to each other over Lee's comments that Eastwood failed to place a single black actor into either one of his recent World War Two epics "Flag of Our Fathers" and "Letters From Iwo Jima."
To this, Eastwood plainly called Lee "nuts" and told him to "Shut his face."
And to that... Lee explained to the media that Eastwood was not his father and they were currently not standing on a plantation.
See, why do some people have to take it to that level? I'm not just talking about blacks, I'm talking about everyone. Because everyone does it, even we white folks are just as guilty of pulling the (reverse) race card as a black guy, Asian lady, Mexican chulo, whatever.
Anytime there's a disagreement between two people of opposite skin color, one (usually whoever's on the losing side of things) will immdiately pull the race card and throw it down like an NFL ref with a yellow flag.
An example I had the pleasure to overhear a few years ago on a Manhattan-bound Q train:
"I don't know what you're talking about dude, she's not that hot," said a white guy to his black friend.
"Why don't you think she's hot? It's because she's black, right?" Said the black friend.
"Or.. it could be because she's fifty pounds overweight and has bad skin?"
"You're saying black skin is bad skin?"
"No, I'm saying that pock marks and flakes make bad skin..."
And yet, this poor white guy couldn't win! Everything he said was being bent back around to make him look like a racist. In public.
And that's a heavy weapon to be able to weild, because no one, black or white or yellow or brown or green, likes to be a racist. ...no wait, let me rephrase that: People don't like to be thought of as racist.
It's because individually, we all are racist and revel in it. I am, you are, your sister is, and most likely the girl behind the cash register at the GAP is too. We all pass judgement on people based on appearances alone.
Take that girl at the GAP register there. I bet she swipes at least 100 credit cards in her four hour shift. For however many she swipes that come back over their limit and rejected, I almost guarentee she thinks the card owner is a deadbeat scum bag.
I'll tell you this much: I've had credit cards turned down more than once, and it's a shitty feeling to have someone come back to you like "oh hey, do you have another card, this one's rejected." And when they say it, it feels like all the people in the place you're at all collectively took a breath at the same time, so everyone heard what was said to you. It doesn't make you a bad person, just slightly irresponsible.
But back to the subject of racism: Who's the bigger racist, Clint or Spike? Clint left out black people from two of his films (though I'm sure they were filled with plenty of fucking yellow-fisted nips), and told a celebrated black director to shut the fuck up. But Lee couldn't take being told by a man, like a man, to shut the fuck up and had to make the ordeal racial in nature. No one was even thinking about racism until Lee had to bring into the conversation a plantation. Then everyone saw it as a black/white thing. A struggle of oppressed power. Here's another black man being held down by an old white man, someone will think.
The real racist is the media. And I understand that's very cliche for me to say and blame, but it's true. They blew this whole thing so far out of proporting that it's almost dispicable. So what if a white guy who's won a crap ton of Oscars tells a revolutionary black director to shut up? Spike's comments were way out from left field in the first place. I'm sure there were many brave black soldiers on the island of Iwo Jima but the story wasn't about them. It was about... Marines raising a flag and fighting for America.
Being in the military, I know, that there's no such thing as color when your life is on the line. The only thing you're thinking about when shit hits the fan is if the guy next to you is qualified or not.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Ok, Real Quick...
I'm browsing through the news online (yeah I'm on watch, what of it?) and realizing there's fuck-all for news. It's a slow news day.
I hate slow news days.
So I'm going through the Entertainment section of Yahoo! News when I see this weird headline that strikes a sour note in my brain:
"Cloverfield DVD Sales Soar!"
See, here's the thing that kinda pinches the common sense section of my mind: Cloverfield was lauded by critics. It was abysmal. It was a failure on a massive scale. It was Blair Witch without the low-budget charm and all the big Hollywood shameless production.
If Blair Witch was like losing your virginity to the girl next door, Cloverfield was like losing it to a porn star.
So here's what I'm thinking: You can't run a headline like the one above mentioned because it's very misleading. For the few people who didn't catch (or figure out on their own) how high a level this film produced in a "I'd-Sooner-Stab-Out-My-Own-Eyes-Than-Watch-This" quotent, you're leading the blind down a patch covered in broken glass shards and HIV-infected needles. "Cloverfield" was a bad bad bad movie, and just because people rush out and buy the dvds doesn't make it suddenly better.
Here's how it works with CD and DVD sales: The numbers that you see for a "sale" aren't technically the consumer going out and purchasing or ordering online the particular title. It's the store that orders it that usually produces the numbers. So let's pull this all together real quick - you have this hyped up bound-for-Cinemax movie that for some reason 15 year olds can get behind (I'm gonna say it has something to do with buildings being blown up and army guys running around with fatigues and rifles oppose to the hand-held camera-style shooting of the film) and stock the shelves with it hoping that these brainless children with mom's credit card will buy two copies a piece.
Then you have kinda an... alternate effect. Companies like Blockbuster and (the infinitely cooler) Netflix will buy scores of copies to be rented out, due to the fact more discriminating film goers will want to see "exactly how bad" "Cloverfield" was.
Ok, here's the bottomline real quick: Don't go see "Cloverfield" for any reason, whether you have a geniune interest in the film or if you just want to slowly drive by a fatal car accident on the side of the highway.
Read a book instead.
I hate slow news days.
So I'm going through the Entertainment section of Yahoo! News when I see this weird headline that strikes a sour note in my brain:
"Cloverfield DVD Sales Soar!"
See, here's the thing that kinda pinches the common sense section of my mind: Cloverfield was lauded by critics. It was abysmal. It was a failure on a massive scale. It was Blair Witch without the low-budget charm and all the big Hollywood shameless production.
If Blair Witch was like losing your virginity to the girl next door, Cloverfield was like losing it to a porn star.
So here's what I'm thinking: You can't run a headline like the one above mentioned because it's very misleading. For the few people who didn't catch (or figure out on their own) how high a level this film produced in a "I'd-Sooner-Stab-Out-My-Own-Eyes-Than-Watch-This" quotent, you're leading the blind down a patch covered in broken glass shards and HIV-infected needles. "Cloverfield" was a bad bad bad movie, and just because people rush out and buy the dvds doesn't make it suddenly better.
Here's how it works with CD and DVD sales: The numbers that you see for a "sale" aren't technically the consumer going out and purchasing or ordering online the particular title. It's the store that orders it that usually produces the numbers. So let's pull this all together real quick - you have this hyped up bound-for-Cinemax movie that for some reason 15 year olds can get behind (I'm gonna say it has something to do with buildings being blown up and army guys running around with fatigues and rifles oppose to the hand-held camera-style shooting of the film) and stock the shelves with it hoping that these brainless children with mom's credit card will buy two copies a piece.
Then you have kinda an... alternate effect. Companies like Blockbuster and (the infinitely cooler) Netflix will buy scores of copies to be rented out, due to the fact more discriminating film goers will want to see "exactly how bad" "Cloverfield" was.
Ok, here's the bottomline real quick: Don't go see "Cloverfield" for any reason, whether you have a geniune interest in the film or if you just want to slowly drive by a fatal car accident on the side of the highway.
Read a book instead.
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