An Ode To Living Recklessly

I'm a shitbird.

A total dickhead, scumbag, perverted shit-stain on society.

I love to drive drunk with very little regard for other drivers. Fuck'em: the car load full of kids or the soccer team, or the prom dates.

I love to drink too much and pass out at people's houses whom I don't know.

I love to correct people's grammar in public, with only the most condescending tone.

I drive like an asshole (when I'm not drunk), I seldom wear my seat belt, never use my signals, and expect everyone else around me to abide by the same traffic laws I disregard. I speed and swerve and drive with my windows down in all types of weather.

I like to keep a loaded gun on my person at all times and often pick fights with people I know could kick my ass. I don't give a shit, I have a gun.

I like to fuck without a condom on. I almost never pull out, and if I do, it's to cum on the girl's face or tits. I never hang around after, I just get up and leave.

I bet on sports when I don't have the money. I do the same thing with my bills; I pay my bills with checks that I know will bounce. Same goes for my rent.

I vote Republican in the 21st century.

I sneer at children and wolf whistle at their moms. I grab my crotch in line at the grocery store.

I play with knives, especially when I've been drinking.

I may or may not have children someplace else in the country.

I tell fat women they're fat. To their boyfriend's faces.

I drink Tecate and eat microwave burritos at 3 am on Monday nights.

I wake up hung over for work at 0630 in the morning, when I have to be in the office at 0715. I don't call ahead and I don't give a shit.

I throw things.

I make my roommate do my dishes and scrub my shitty toilet.

I plug in my amp and play horrible guitar at all hours. When the neighbors show up to complain I tell them to go fuck themselves while blowing pot smoke into their faces. When they inevitably send the cops over, I pretend I'm a disabled war vet.

I rent movies and don't watch them. Weeks go by and when the store calls about their movies, I tell them that I just moved into the address and have no idea what they're talking about.

I sleep on park benches. I clean my gun on park benches.

I stroll by high schools and ask the girls walking on the side walk what grade they're in.

I play pool in bars and don't pay for the games. I let my friends buy my drinks for me and never pay for a round.

I demand a buy-back from the bartender. When he cuts me off, I go outside and slash all the tires in the parking lot, hoping I got his.

I eat like shit. Wait, let me rephrase that... I eat shit. My arteries are so clogged with shit that my insides look like an LA Freeway. My doctors yell at me, my girlfriend yells at me, and I don't care. If it tastes good, I'm eating it, whether it's deep fried, bathed in butter or beer battered, I'm going to ingest it until my heart gives out under me. Fuck it.

I smoke cigarettes but I never buy my own pack. I'm that asshole who's hanging outside of the bar bumming smokes off everyone. I never apologize for it either.

I'm inside the bar smoking.

I'm your co-worker who talks too loudly on the phone and ignores your emails.

I'm the dickhead on Facebook who won't return your Friend Request.

I listen to shitty music loudly and at the same time tell you you have no taste in music.

I'm at a rock concert feeling your girlfriend's ass.

I'm doing hits of extacy around black guys and telling them "thanks for not kicking my white ass"

I'm an asshole, a dick, and a douche bag. I'm your neighbor, your brother, your father and your son. I'm your boss and your employee.

I'm You.

Running Mix for the Week of 5/9/08

Here's what I'm listening to as I pound the pavement in my Nikes... in case anyone's interested..

"Don't Stop Believing" Journey
"Gimmie Shelter" The Rolling Stones
"The Game" Disturbed
"Burn My Shadow" UNKLE
"Life Is Beautiful" SIX A.M.
"You" Candlebox
"Freya" The Sword
"Killing In The Name" Rage Against The Machine
"(Rock) Superstar" Cypress Hill
"No Sleep To Brooklyn" The Beastie Boys
"Working For The Weekend" Loverboy
"Umbrella" Rihanna
"I'm Shipping Up To Boston" The Dropkick Murphys
"Smoke'em" The Fun Loving Criminals
"Bombin' The L" The Fun Loving Criminals
"Side 2 Side" 3-6 Mafia
"As You Already Know..." Kool G Rap
"Icky Thump" The White Stripes
"Beat It" Fall Out Boy with John Mayer (Not as gay as you'd think...)
"Speedin'" Rick Ross
"Riot Maker" Tech 9
"The Beast" Tech 9
"Snitch" Obie Trice
"The Trooper" Iron Maiden
"Guns and Roses" Jay-Z
"One Horse Race" Tom Vek
"Needy Girl" Chromeo
"Walcott" Vampire Weekend
"Aerodynamic" Daft Punk

All Obligations Aside...

Typically this sort of shit is saved for like a bulletin post on myspace... but rules (which you'll find below) are rules. The Lady posted this on her blog and I got stuck with having to spread it around like AIDS. And since I have like... four readers, it'll be fun to see this go no where.

The rules:
A) The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.

B) Each player answers the questions about himself or herself.
C) At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. Ten years ago I was: …Sixteen, believe it or not! I had braces and a bowl cut parted down the middle. I wore an inordinate amount of forest green hooded pullover sweat shirts and black track pants. I played three sports per school year and was unaware (apparently) of how hot I was to the females I went to school with.

2. Five things on today’s to do list: 1. Clean my sty of a room and make my bed. 2. Pay my bills (update, I fucking hate Comcast with a goddamn passion. I miss TWC...) 3. Go on a killing spree on GTA 4 4. Attempt to entice The Lady to go down on me. 5. Eat a sandwich.

3. Things I’d do if I were a billionaire: Travel extensively, learn more different languages, maybe follow one of my favorite performers/band around on tour, buy a giant sail boat with a crew to operate it and sail off the horn of Somalia egging on Somali pirates to "bring it" while I wave a machete at their fast boats. Basically become Sir Richard Branson.

4. Three bad habits: Picking Nose, Killing People, Libel.

5. Five places I’ve lived: Boston, New York City, And the Cape.

6. Six jobs I’ve had in my life: First job I ever had was working for my dad on his boat, which was Balls Mahoney. Then I worked for Hannafords, but it was called Shop n' Save back then as a bagger and a cashier, which was more of a hassle than a job. Then I worked in the UNE kitchen just doing food prep which was ok, but the guy I worked for was a massive loser and I suspect a pedophile. Um, then I did landscaping for a few summers, became a cop and ... yeah, that brings us to about here, doesn't?

And... I tag no one, because no one will read this anyway, and if they do, I'm sure they'll feel gypped.

The Things My Roommate Says, Vol 1

My roommate says a lot of just... bizarre shit. Honestly, it's like he channels dead retarded people. So I figure once in a while I'll list out some of the stranger shit that's come forth from his albino-like face.

Here's the latest sampling, and before you ask, no, I'm not making this shit up:

-"So, is it bad if I stick a Q-Tip into my ear far enough, it makes me cough?"

-(upon wandering into my room and speaking to my back) "Hey, wouldn't it be cool to be like, back in the day, like a pirate? ...I bet you'd be one of those good pirates, huh?"

-"Dude, I'm getting an anaconda. And when you're sleeping, I'm going to send him into your room to do recon missions....

-"Dude, these cigarettes are like, a delicious breakfast."

-"Flashing... lights! ...Flashing... lights! Doo-ta-doo-ta-ta-doo-ta-ta-doo-ta-ta, Flashing...lights!"

-"If you get a puppy, like one of those hotdog-dogs, I'm going to put it in a box with my pet anaconda and I'm going to put my feet up and watch them fight. No wait, I'm not gonna put them in a box, I'm going to make the anaconda hunt the puppy."

-"I just want to find a girlfriend that I can actually take out."

-"What? So I shave my pubes, what?"

-"Ever watch a midget play soccer, bro? It's the funniest shit ever! That and watching them climb stairs!"

-(while playing the Hole game, crying foul on a called Look): "That's bullshit, ...that's a balk."

-(A few moments ago): Me: Ryan, say one of those crazy things you say...
RM: Why? Wait, what crazy things I say?
Me: You know, like the crazy shit you say...
RM: Why?
Me: Cuz I'm writing this article about the crazy shit you say and I need a good one to go out on...
RM: I DON'T SAY CRAZY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK!? ...Dude I can't wait to get back to the apartment to play GTA...

Tips for Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse

Since joining Facebook about a week ago, I've come across a group called "The Hardest Part of the Zombie Apocalypse Will Be Pretending I'm Not Excited." This group has various discussions that are based around the idea of surviving the day and days after the zombies rise from the dead and start their slow shuffling march across the world.

What troubled me the most was how unprepared so many of these group members were. They all claimed they had "zombie knowledge" or a heightened sense of survival, but when I read through some of the posts, I could only shake my head and mutter "amateurs" under my breath.

I don't know why I would want to help instruct people on how to survive this biblical catastrophe, when the best part of the Zombie Apocalypse would be how the human race would be thinned out, but maybe it's just the nice guy in me. He's struggling from underneath that pillow I've put over his face, and he wants to help his readers have a slightly advantageous experience should the decayed flesh hit the fan. So here now, along with author Max Brooks (The Zombie Survival Guide) are some tips on what you can do to have a leg up over other survivors and of course the undead.


1. Choose your weapon wisely:

One of the topic threads in the facebook group was "If you could only take TWO weapons with you, what would they be?" There was a stipulation as well, your weapons could not include anything biological (such as flesh eating bacteria) or nuclear or a tank or a fighter jet or something unconventional. They wanted to keep to the spirit of the ground fighter, the survivor, the everyman. The everyman doesn't know how to fly a jet, but he does know how to swing a baseball bat. He's some of the responses to the question:

"I'd bring a crowbar because you can bash a zombie over the head with it, and also use it to open up doors and crates, etc."

"I'd bring a baseball bat because you can swing it faster, and then if I had to I would sharpen the end into a stabbing point,"

"I'd bring a katana blade because you can slice through zombies and the blade never gets dull,"

What troubles me most is that a lot of people mentioned the crowbar, probably because of the tool's appearance in the computer game "Half-Life," where the main character, Dr. Gordon Freeman wields one to smash open the heads of brain crabs. The thing is a crowbar is a horrible choice because it's a heavy, oblong shaped object. Yeah, you can smash a zombie's skull into mush with it, but carrying it is going to be cumbersome. A crowbar weighs, depending on it's size, between 5 and 15 lbs. Also if you drop it, it clatters very loudly. The crowbar is the deadman's choice.

Author Max Brooks, in his book "The Zombie Survival Guide" suggest the use of blunt instruments stating "blades don't need to be reloaded," and favors the ancient Chinese weapon of a half-moon shaped cutting blade on a long pole because it can be waved side to side at a great distance. Well Mr. Brooks, when the zombies start breaking into my apartment, I'll be sure to run down to the Chinese Historical Center and start looking for one of these things. Pfft.

Here's what I suggest: A blade is a good back up weapon. I would prefer taking a Ka-Bar military fighting knife, but a machete will work well too. They're very durable, hardly ever get dull and utilitarian. The Ka-Bar/machete can do everything a crowbar can do, but it's lighter and you can wear it in a sheath on your belt.

For a main weapon, I would choose either a compound bow and arrows, because it's silent and you can retrieve your ammunition, or I would take with me a battle rifle of some sort. Most likely, an AK47. The Kalashnikov rifle is world renowned for it's durability and light maintenance, its heavy but not cumbersome to carry due to it's sling. The ammo is a heavy 7.62x39mm round that has a high penetration potential that will allow you to shoot through barriers or multiple skulls, should your zombie prey line up in a straight line. If you run out of ammo, the weapon has a heavy butt-stock that can be used like a hammer, or held across your chest as a barrier to push zombies backwards.


2. Your Gear:

Brooks suggests cutting your hair short and wearing tight clothing, and here's where I agree. Should the zombie apocalypse start up and there's madness in the streets, I would let things simmer down for a few days before venturing out to outfit yourself at a sporting goods store or even Wal Mart.

Here's some things you should look out for:

First things first: You need good foot wear. Shoes and socks are going to be essential to your survival. I would suggest heavy duty tactical boots with lots of ankle support, but a good pair of cross trainers will do in a pinch. Bring plenty of socks, at least three pair and change them often. If you lose your feet, you lose your life.

You're going to need some sort of body armor. If you don't have privilege to a bullet proof vest, you can always wear multiple thin layers. I would start with a long-underwear or Underarmor-type base, and then a sturdy durable pair of rip-stop BDUs or heavy denim jeans. Then maybe a long sleeve cotton shirt, on top of that, a short sleeve shirt, and then maybe a non-hooded sweat shirt, depending on the time of the year. With all this on, your movements won't be as restrictive as wearing a coat or a jacket and with layers you can always take something off and put it into your bag should you get hot.

I would also suggest a MOLLE-system carrier. A MOLLE carrier is a tactical vest with these different spaced out velco-like straps that you can hang various pouches from. If you have a sporting goods store or vacant police station in your area, check them out for one of these vests. With this vest you can carry more supplies such as extra ammunition, grenades, canteens, etc, at ready access. The MOLLE system also prevents jingling and bustling, making you quieter as you move.

The next important thing to have is a durable backpack. Here's where it gets tricky though; you don't want a bag so big that it weighs you down, because you'll think you have to fill it, nor do you want a bag too small that you can't get all your essential equipment in to it. So I suggest carrying two medium sized bags. Label one with some designation on it so you know it's your "essentials bag," that in case of an emergency, where as the other bag can be left behind if need be. More on this in the next section.

Some other items to consider taking with you:

A Cambelbak, or canteens, compass, maps, flashlight, fingerless gloves, batteries, multi-channel radio/walkie-talkie with an ear piece, a small flat piece of metal to cook on, and anything else that will be small and seem handy in the future.


3. Pack Light.

As you're getting your gear together remember one thing, and one thing only: You have to stay mobile. A sitting survivor is a survivor no more. Even Brooks states that "no place is safe, only safer. Keep moving." So with that, I suggest taking with you the very bare essentials to your survival.

One thing to consider is food. Granted there could be a few days where you will be out of contact with anyone, including zombies, other survivors, even small towns or cities, believe it our not. You should keep without enough food to last you about two days. I would shy away from canned goods just because they're heavy and take up room in your pack, but sometimes you just have to suffer. If you can find MREs (Meals Ready to Eat) from a local army base or survival store, snatch them up. They're light and easy to pack and contain everything you need to stay healthy, as far as nutrition is concerned.

As I suggested in the last section, keeping two packs is ideal. In one, your "essentials" pack I would keep food for one day, plus your maps and compass, extra ammo, first aid stuff and any other hard to come by items that you need. In the secondary pack, keep the bulk of your food, extra blankets, the gear you can find any where else if need be. Remember, the zombies have taken over, and killed a large portion of the population, there's going to be supplies you can find anywhere. Don't become married to canned goods and blankets.

Also, there's absolutely no need for frivolous supplies like tent kits, mess kits, sleeping bags, etc. You can find that stuff anywhere and there's going to be plenty of vacated shelter you can spend a night in and then move on in the morning. Worse case scenario, you rough it out in the woods over night, or just keep moving til dawn. You don't need to be slowed down by a three man tent set because you love comfort.


4. It's Easier To Run:

Just because you have an assault rifle, found some grenades, or are wielding a chainsaw doesn't mean you can get all Bruce Campbell on some undead assholes. By packing light you can maneuver around zombies or escape if you have to.

Killing a zombie is tough work. Usually what's needed to put a member of the undead out for good is destroying their brain, either with blunt force or with a piercing. Zombies seldom wander about alone as well, so think of that before you engage. The time it takes an unprofessional zombie slayer to kill one zombie in a pack of four, allows the remaining three zombies to get that much closer. Only fight if you've run out of room to run in, and even then, keep looking for an escape.


5. Fire Bad - Explosives Good:

Fire won't kill a zombie, well not right away. As I stated in the last section, the only way to truly bring a zombie down is by destroying the brain. Eventually, if set to fire, a zombie's brain will catch and burn, but that could take precious minutes to happen. In the meantime, your wandering undead target that you've set ablaze is shuffling towards you, now on fire, setting fire to everything else he or she comes into contact with.

I would only use fire as a weapon if I could use it in a way to trap a number of zombies together. Say you've managed to lead a pack of zombies towards a structure. You get them to follow you inside, where you manage to get out, maybe from a second floor or back entrance, and then bar them in. Setting the structure on fire will kill them, but this is a rare case indeed.

Instead, I would suggest the use of timed explosives. Sticks of dynamite, hand grenades, land mines if you can get your hands on them are great tools to totally destroy a zombie. Even if you only manage to blow off their legs, you've at least incapacitated it long enough to get away. Also, explosives have a wider range of damage, allowing you to take out whole groups at a time.

Go to your local library and learn about home made explosives. ....The Government will be along shortly to help you with your search.


6. Fortifications:

If you do have to stop running and take refuge someplace, whether it be for a night or even for a longer stretch due to weather or medical reasons, get on to a second story. Brooks suggests this as well, advising that survivors smash out the stairs behind them. Zombies can't climb ladders (or so it's thought) and without access to the second story, the only thing you're going to have to put up with is there never-ending moans for your brains. Bring earplugs.

Brooks also suggests that if you remain perfectly silent for an extended period of time, zombies will usually lose interest in you or become engage in something/someone else and leave you alone. Zombies have excellent, almost preternatural hearing, so the slightest bump could bring them back on your tail.

If you can't find a second story, I would suggest a basement with a heavy door and very little outside access (such as windows or a storm door.). Barricade your door and set up a number of obstacles between yourself and the door so that if they should break through the door, you'll at least be able to slow them down enough to take a few head shots, before probably having to do yourself in with the last bullet.


7. Be Prepared.

This seems silly, especially at number seven on the list, but being physically and emotionally prepared for the zombie apocalypse will pay back in spades. I would advise getting into a regular exercise routine that involves cardiovascular training would be a good start. You should be able to run up to two miles with gear without getting too winded if you want to be able to survive out there amongst the never tiring undead. A lifting regimen is strongly advisable as well.

Learn how to use a firearm and an edged weapon with accuracy. Train so that your selected weapons become extensions of who you are, so there's no awkwardness in wielding that javelin you stole from a local high school or that rock hammer you swiped from a dead roommate's room in your house. Never hesitate to use your weapons either.

Emotionally, prepare yourself to see things you've never thought you'd ever see. The dead walking the streets, your long gone grandparents shuffling their way down Main Street in the tattered clothes they were buried in. Your old friends, young children, recently turned, thirsting for your blood. Think of it like this: You're giving these people the ultimate gift of release from these unholy shells they've become, by blasting their heads off with an automatic rifle. If you hesitate, you become one of them. That's likely how they got there in the first place.


8. No One Is Your Friend:

Lastly, people will likely band together and reform societies. I mean, after all that's why you're fighting for survival in the first place: to rebuild. But in these uncertain days leading up to the rebuilding, trust no one. It's every man for him or herself, and everyone's an opportunist. There are no laws, and God's on vacation so watch your back. Never get so committed to anyone that you can't leave them in a hurry if you have to. Helping others is the fastest way to get yourself ripped to shreds and eaten.

Stay vigilant, stay tough. Eventually the zombies will walk themselves into an ocean or off a cliff or on to one of your home-made explosive devices. Cities will burn, but you're a survivor now, use the strength you gathered in the zombie wild to rebuild, and never forget.

Etiquette Enforcement: The Gym

I've been spending an inordinate amount of time at the gym lately. I've probably mentioned this about a hundred times in the last few posts, so I'll spare you the details on how much time exactly I've been lifting. However, as I'm lifting, I wouldn't be me if I wasn't observing human interaction and behavior. So for you, the reader, I've broken out some rules that may or may not be in existence, to help facilitate a more productive and comfortable self-improvement session at your local trendy gymnasium.

1. Don't Be A Dick:
I can't stress this enough. No one likes a dick, not even the most semen stained pornstars. What people like a lot less is the dick at the gym. The dick is the guy wearing the tight Underarmor t shirt and leggings, bench pressing too much weight without a spot and letting everyone know in earshot because he'll be grunting through his hernia. He slams weights, yells and never wipes down benches and equipment when he's done, leaving a sweaty puddle/hand print every where he goes. When he's resting between sets, he's giving "pointers" to other gym goers on how their technique is off. He knows all about "isolating" certain muscle groups, and even though you've got earbuds in, he still talks to you in the middle of your set. The dick is no one's friend.

2. Don't Rest On The Equipment:
Even I do this, and I really try not to. Resting on the equipment, especially when you're at the gym during busy hours, is like being the selfish three-year old at day care hogging the 'good' blocks. If you notice someone hovering around, and they may not be right on top of you, get up and stretch. If they come over and ask to work in, let them. So what? You're going to rest between sets anyway, might as well let someone else get their work out done in a timely manner.

3. Change Back Settings:
If someone does allow you to work in between their sets, be the cool kid and set their weight and seat settings back to where they were at before you sat down. The seat settings might be tricky, but if you change them drastically, try to put it back as close as possible. Take note of what weight they were using, and set it back to that weight when you're done your set. They'll be sure to set yours back for you in return.

4. Wipe Down The Equipment:
As aforementioned, no one likes to sit in someone else's sweaty leavings. Nothing is less attractive than grabbing a handhold or bar or whatever, and seeing a big sweaty paw print on it. No one likes to climb up on the treadmill and see it soaked in your spray. So take a few seconds, get a towel, and wipe it down before the next guy uses it.

5. Be a Good Spotter:
If someone asks you to spot them, be a good spotter by being attentive and encouraging. Someone's trusting you to make sure they don't get hurt, so in the very least pull the plugs out of your ears and be focused on them. It's ok to give them encouragement as well, but watch what you say. Acceptable words or phrases would be "c'mon up", "go, push", or "almost there." Unacceptable words or phrases would be something like "Yeah baby, push it up there" and "Mmm yeah feel it, dig deep" because you'd sound like a total fag.

6. Eye Contact:
Don't make it with anyone. Ever. Especially if you're spotting them.

7. The Opposite Sex:
In 2007, chicks go to the gym too. It's usually considered poor taste to try to flirt with someone at the gym because we're all supposed to be there to be working out, not hooking up. But if someone does catch your eye (and on that, don't stare. A casual glance is acceptable), either if you're a guy or a girl, it's ok to talk to them in a non-threatening way. Bring up something about the excersise you're doing and ask how you can improve on it - ask for tips. Do not try to inform them of what they're doing. No one likes unsolicited advice. And wait until their done their set. If the other party is receptive, then take it from there as you normally would. If they kinda brush you off, because they're at a gym and not at a bar, walk away and get back to work.

Remember guys, you're basically looking at a chick as she would appear during rough doggystyle sex. Be a gentleman and try not to point that out as an ice breaker.

8. Cell Phones:
Most gyms today have policies restricting cell phone use on their property, so adhere to this. If your gym doesn't have a policy in place, do not, and I repeat, do not use your phone in the gym area. If you have to make/take a call do it outside. It's annoying for one, to have to listen to someone on the phone while you're working out, two how do I know you're not taking a picture of me while I look like I'm engaging in rough doggystyle sex? I don't.

9. Know your limits:
Don't push it. Grunting isn't sexy nor is leaving the gym on a stretcher because you've blown your testicles through your scrotum. No one likes to have to stop in mid set to save your ass because you had too much pride to ask for a spot. Also, no one likes to have to slow down their set to watch you struggle with weight that's too much for you to handle, in case you drop a bench bar across your throat. My tip for picking the best weight to work out with: Go up to an easy weight, where it's no problem for you to do ten reps, then simply add five to ten pounds to that weight. You'll have just enough resistance to build muscle without looking like a jackass who's trying too hard. No one's impressed, because no one's looking at you. Trust me.

10. Being a Regular:
If you find yourself at the gym more than three times a week, it's safe to say you've established yourself as a regular. Being a regular is nice because you get to know the people at the gym. But don't let it go to your head and turn you into a dick. Gyms are public places, open to whoever want to join. Remember, you were once the new guy that people wondered about too. If you notice someone new and they seem to be lost or confused by the equipment, no one says you can't walk up and introduce yourself. Ask if there's anything they need help with, or just offer a spot if they need one later. Having a friend at the gym is helpful and prevents you from looking like a total tool who lifts too much.

I hope these tips help give you some insight into behavior, acceptable and unacceptable, at your local gym. I can only educate, it's up to you guys to put it into practice.