Tuesday, July 15, 2008

You're An Idiot, Vol 1.

Sometimes people don't know they're completely retarded. Other times, people around said idiot don't realize that person is completely inept in all facets of life, either. The latter is the case of Carlos Mencia.

So I figured that I would start breaking down ways to tell if you yourself, or someone you love, is a collossal idiot. This month: How Your Choice in Movies Makes You an Asshole.

My roommate tends to go see a lot of movies because he's only 19 and there's not much else the poor boy can do legally in these parts. As a by-product of this, he sees a lot of shitty films, only, he doesn't realize what a shitty film is.

Tell tale signs you're watching a shitty film:

-Stars Mark Walhberg in a leading role (excemption: "Boogie Nights")

-Is from "two of the six writers of 'Scary Movie'"

-A Wayans touched it.

-Star mugs for the camera every chance they get, during the preview.

What's unfortunate is that the majority of the American movie-going population falls under the same umbrella as my hapless roommate. No one really knows what a shitty movie-going experience is. Sure, they can be annoyed as they sit in the theatre by other patrons/sticky floors, but they neglect to realize that what's on the screen plays a large part in dumbing themselves down.

I pay a lot of attention to film reviews, but mostly I can just tell if a movie is going to be utter shit. I can see the preview either at the theatre, or on tv, and just know. It's hard to explain, and yes, it's just short of judging a book by it's cover, but I know when there's a film not worth my ten dollars. It has a certain stink to it; an aroma that's not unlike dead fish under a hot sun.

I've also been wrong before too, but not often. I had both written off "Gladiator" and "Ironman" as forgettable summer "blockbusters" and pleasently surprised how much I enjoyed those two films. "Gladiator" is actually one of my all time favorites. And I've missed the call too, thinking "The Kingdom" last Fall's forgetable Jaime Foxx-middle eastern terrorist cash-in pic was going to be epic, but found it was largely disappointing.

This was an actual (albeit paraphrased for these purposes) conversation I had with my roommate a few weeks ago:

RM: Dude, let's go see 'Love Guru!'

(He constantly tries to bait me into going to movies. Honestly, I feel awful that I don't go with him, but given his taste in film, I'd rather inject rat poison directly into my eyeballs)

Me: Umm, no.

RM: Why not?!

Me: Because it looks terrible, Mike Meyers is a one trick pony who thinks that because he dresses in various fat suits and costumes, he can fool movie goers into thinking he's talented and has range as an actor. His latest film only reinforces that. Except for the first Austin Powers, each one of his films to date is basically a stretched, unfunny SNL skit.

The RM gives me a blank stare.

RM: Ok, let's go see 'Meet Dave.' I know you want to see that!

And I appriciate his enthusiasm. I really do. But again, to infer that I 'want to see' 'Meet Dave', the abysmal Eddie Murphy - 'Men in Black' - Bootleg - Vehicle, is somewhat insulting.

Me: No.

Rm: Sigh, why not?

Me: Have you seen the previews of that movie?! I'm not going to subject myself to another one of Eddie Murphy's ego-tripped-tipped yawnfests. You know why all of his movies in the last ten years have starred just Eddie Murphy playing different characters? It's because no other actor in Hollywood will work with him. He's an enormous asshole, and he continues to make films that make me want to eat a bagel laced with broken shards of glass and AIDS needles.

RM: Well, I'm gonna go, peace out.

And so he goes, and sure enough, two hours later, this is what I get:

RM: Yeah bro, "Meet Dave" sucked.

In other news, I tell my roommate that the stove top is hot, he touches it, gets burned. More at 11.

Seriously though, I browse through rottentomatoes all the time, and read through the (obviously) bad reviews for some of these films I know to be bad. I don't know why I do it, I just do it. Maybe I'm reinforcing my talent for picking stinkers a mile away, or maybe I like seeing a man being kicked while he's down. Regardless, what blows me away is some of the POSITIVE reviews that are kinda sprinkled over the critics review pages for movies that should otherwised be banned from viewing.

This gem from the 'Hancock' page:

"Smith proves again, he's the king of summer blockbusters in this truly genius alt-concept of Super Hero (his caps) genre movies!" -Kit Comner, Ain't It Cool News.

Now I understand studios sometimes pay off film critics to write "good reviews" on what the studio will know to be a film DOA at the theatre. But I mean, these people look like complete assholes next to the other 97% of the critics, who were not being paid, who actually wrote down what they thought.

Only if you were say, a President of the United States, had an approval rating hovering around 26% and still thought you couldhelp the presumptive GOP candidate would you be a bigger idiot.


Jake said...

And I believe that another movie will break your rule about Mark Wahlberg is being finished now. Max Payne...looks fucking awesome.

James. said...

Mark Wahlberg is making a film about a B-List video game? Oh, no, no, ....it sounds likea winner. Really.

Jake said...

Watch the trailer. Then comment.

James. said...

Ok, so I watched the trailer. It's very generic.

People who want to way in on this, here's the link:


Anyway, making a film about a video game is basically the cinematographic kiss of death. Name one movie-based-on-video game that did well? I can name a handful off the top of my head that didn't.


Super Mario Brothers

Dungeons and Dragons

And more if you gave me a bottle of scotch and some time to think. The closest I've seen a game cross over to a marketable film was a short based off of the release of Halo 3.

See it here: