What The Guy Sitting Across From Me on The Bus, Reading 'Maxim' Magazine, Is Probably Thinking:

Dude.

Dude.

DUDE...!

Oh my god, dude, seriously, this chick is so fucking hot. Look at her tits, and her legs and her ass. Damn. I wish I could find a girl like that. And she looks so natural too. 'Maxim' girls are so REAL. They don't air brush their models, no way.

I mean, I guess there's a number I can text and she'll get it, but it'll probably go through some sort of screener or something and get all fucked up in the process.

Let's see, what else is in here...

Wow, this chick is hot too. Where does Maxim find all these hotties, seriously dude? I mean, I live in this big city and I never see chicks like these. They must all live out in Long Island or something. Wow, look at this car on page 57. If I had a car like that, I could totally bang a chick like the one on page 93...

Let's flip ahead to the fashion section. Or should I say fag-tion section. Heh, seriously, who wears this shit? See, this is where Maxim gets it all wrong. Girls don't want a guy who dresses like he's attending some board meeting or something. Chicks want a dude who keeps it real. Like how I keep it real with my t shirts and jeans and Adidas sneakers.

Oh, the best part, the joke page. Hahaha, 'what did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See you next month!' Hahaha, where does 'Maxim' come up with this stuff, seriously dude!

This has to be the best men's magazine ever. I mean, it's the only men's magazine I've ever really looked at. I mean, I looked at a 'GQ' one time at the doctor's office in the waiting room, but it seemed kinda gay to me. But 'Maxim' gets me. Maxim knows what every 19 year old needs to be told. Without Maxim, I'd probably never score hot chicks.

Or have the chance to, I mean.

Oh, what's back here... an Axe Body Spray sample. Dude that smells awesome! I'm so going to buy that shit at the Duane Reade next time I go in to pick up my allergy perscription. And I'm going to make sure I spray half the bottle all over myself too, just to make sure people can smell it and be like 'oh my god, what's that awesome smell?' from across the room. And then I can be all like "it's me dude, that awesome smell, it's me."

It's orangy dude, like an orange grove. That's probably what California smells like. And Cali's full of chick's dude. Hot ones.

Is that dude reading over my shoulder? What the fuck dude! Get your own 'Maxim', you dick... that's so not cool -to read over someone's shoulder. He's going to try to steal the pick up tricks in here and talk to that brunette up front over there before I do. Hold on, let me just finish reading this... It says I should 'break the ice' with a joke. Apparently, chicks like it when you insult them right off the bat. I should say something like 'Your hair looks better up,' or 'that's really not your color' because it takes them off their guard and it's better than 'hey can I have your number because I think you're hot,'

It also says something in here about only paying for the first date, and unless she brings you home for some 'hot bangin' after the first date, all bets are off. Ok, phew, ok, is she looking over here... wait, let me ... ok, no, I think she's checking out that other guy. Or did she just miss her stop? Or is she looking at the cover of the 'Maxim' to see Jennifer Love Hewitt's picture? I don't know.

You know what, I'm not going to talk to her after all. She's not nearly as hot as the Hometown Honey on page 122.