The Things My Roommate Says, Vol 1

My roommate says a lot of just... bizarre shit. Honestly, it's like he channels dead retarded people. So I figure once in a while I'll list out some of the stranger shit that's come forth from his albino-like face.

Here's the latest sampling, and before you ask, no, I'm not making this shit up:

-"So, is it bad if I stick a Q-Tip into my ear far enough, it makes me cough?"

-(upon wandering into my room and speaking to my back) "Hey, wouldn't it be cool to be like, back in the day, like a pirate? ...I bet you'd be one of those good pirates, huh?"

-"Dude, I'm getting an anaconda. And when you're sleeping, I'm going to send him into your room to do recon missions....

-"Dude, these cigarettes are like, a delicious breakfast."

-"Flashing... lights! ...Flashing... lights! Doo-ta-doo-ta-ta-doo-ta-ta-doo-ta-ta, Flashing...lights!"

-"If you get a puppy, like one of those hotdog-dogs, I'm going to put it in a box with my pet anaconda and I'm going to put my feet up and watch them fight. No wait, I'm not gonna put them in a box, I'm going to make the anaconda hunt the puppy."

-"I just want to find a girlfriend that I can actually take out."

-"What? So I shave my pubes, what?"

-"Ever watch a midget play soccer, bro? It's the funniest shit ever! That and watching them climb stairs!"

-(while playing the Hole game, crying foul on a called Look): "That's bullshit, ...that's a balk."

-(A few moments ago): Me: Ryan, say one of those crazy things you say...
RM: Why? Wait, what crazy things I say?
Me: You know, like the crazy shit you say...
RM: Why?
Me: Cuz I'm writing this article about the crazy shit you say and I need a good one to go out on...
RM: I DON'T SAY CRAZY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK!? ...Dude I can't wait to get back to the apartment to play GTA...