I got an email from my mom a few days ago letting me know she enrolled in a Women's Self-Defense Course being offered through Portland PD. She gets to take it for free since her ... blah blah blah... insurance or work-related-thing... covers it.
I find this very interesting because my mother is probably the least confrontational person I've ever met in my life, aside from Hokie. For years (and personal reasons) I've been pushing her to get a pistol permit so she can carry a firearm in her bag or in her car or something, and she's deflected that whole idea. So I went and got her a can of pepper spray after she was acosted by some random dickhole in the Hannafords in Biddeford a while back, but when I showed her how to use it, she seemed hardly interested.
So I give her a call at the house tonight just to touch base (because, according to the email, we hadn't "spoken in days!!!!!" ...for the record, it was like, four days...) and see what this whole class is about. Here's a fairly accurate paraphrasing of the conversation.
Me: So tell me about this ... uh, self defense class you're taking...
Mom: Oh! Oh Jim, it's such a work out, me and a few girls from the office, we get out of work and head over, you know, as a little group, and the class is about 15 women, and I think I'm the oldest. And it's taught by this female policewoman (she seriously said that) who's a very good instructor and she's very cute and very single. I told her all about you and what you do and what you went through with the whole "police-thing" and she said she totally understands what you've been going through and how it's all screwed up that Portland PD has to get rid of 15 officers for budget cuts and-
Me: Mom, get back to the class...
Mom: Oh, well, anyway, I told her you were single and that if she was interested I'd give her your number.
Me: Mom! Don't.... fucking pimp me out to ... lady cops, Jesus...
Mom:...Anyway, so they teach us all these moves and the reasons behind them: Like how to get out of when someone grabs your wrists or tries to choke you from behind or grabs your bag, or something like that. We're all so.... scared, you know? But the instructors are really great and take their time teaching and critiqing our techniques. They even video tape us and we get to watch it afterwards to see how we look.
Me: So I mean, mom, would you have a problem, and I'm being serious, grabbing some guy's dick and trying to rip it off?
Mom: GASP! James Charles Nason! Don't you speak to your mother like that!
Me: I'm being serious! ...cuz that's what it's going to take. That's the cold reality of it. Because no one's going to want to rape you with their penis barely hanging on to their body, you know?
Mom: ...yes... and that was brought up in the class too. But it's more than just...grabbing a man... down there. There's a lot more.
Me: Like eye gouging and knee thrusts and throat punches, right?
Mom: Yes. I don't like the throat punches though.
Me: Why not?
Mom: Because... you have to like, push your... fingers, like two fingers there, push them down into their... throat. Ew, it's gross just thinking about it.
Me: It's not gross, it's survival; everything you're being taught is considered "less than lethal," for that reason. Jabbing your fingers down into a guy's throat isn't going to kill him, just back him off. These techniques are designed so that you can utilize them when the times comes and not feel hesitant that you're going to kill the poor son of a bitch. No man's ever died, that I know of, from getting kicked in the groin, you know? Or eyes gouged or whatever.
Me: I mean... if you WANT to learn how to kill someone with your bare hands, I can show you a thing or two...
Mom: No, no, that's... uh ok, I'm fine with that.
Me: You sure?
Mom: Yes James.
Me: .... Fine. Is dad around?
So yeah hear this criminals: if you're stalking around Portland or Biddeford or anywhere in between, you better watch out... my fifty-something year old mother will fuck up your whole day.