An Open Letter To My Girlfriend's Pre-Menstral Cramps:

Hey Cramps,

It's about that time of the month again; where you guys show up, kinda uninvited, but expected, as usual, and make me and my girlfriend's lives a living hell for about a week. Not unsimilar to the in-laws just showing up.

Hey, I for one, love it when you guys come around. It tells me something, it's good to see you, and honestly, it doesn't bother me all that much, not as much as say, The Lady. But then again, she's the one who has to put up with you for a week, while I luckily get to work all week here at the station. She gets to be the mascot for the couple, the face on the packaging, whereas I get to hunker down and wait out the storm far, far away.

But I was wondering if you could do me a favor? While your visiting for the next week or so, could you at least keep it down a little? The Lady has hard enough time getting to sleep at night, so the whole "bloaty, fat and ugly" feeling your giving her, isn't helping that situation much. Also, she won't complain directly to you guys for making her feel like a swollen wallrus, but she'll complain to me, ad nauseum, for the next couple of days - she'll gorge on chocolate and lay dispondently in bed resting her mac book on her uterus as a heating pad.

I don't mean to make light of your stay with us, and like I said, I'm all for you guys being here, especially since we tend to engage in condomless sex all the time, but is there anything you can do to not be such a hard-on to The Lady? Like, ease up a little bit?

When you get down to it, I just don't want to end up like Ritchie in the second season of The Sopranos, and be pumped full of holes by my girlfriend and then chopped up in a butcher shop by a junkie and a zip, never to be heard from again.

Also, not being able to bump uglies for a week is kinda a bummer.

Thanks, and see you next month (hopefully.),
Jim.